Anxiety : How it ruined my life

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 Well a year ago I was going through a lot of personal stuff. I suffered from anxiety . Months before I quit my job I got diagnosed with panic disorder. Now if you don’t know what panic disorder is I’ll post  a link below.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/panic-attacks/DS00338

Anyways, I suffered from severe panic attacks, quite honestly it sucked. I would be in fear of having another panic attack. It was constantly on my mind and it would interfere  with my personal life.  When I would have a panic attack my heart would race, I felt light headed , I felt like I was going to pass out, I would cry uncontrollably , and I hyperventilate.  I remember my heart beat would  be so loud it seemed like that was the only thing I could hear , even if people around me would try to calm me down I couldn’t hear them. It was scary  and I hated living in constant fear.

When I realized something was wrong  I went to the doctors and that is when they  diagnosed me with panic disorder.  I was actually put on medication for the attacks so they could stop from happening. Well I was on the medication for months and I had some panic attacks , but not as much as I used to. The job that I had at the time was I worked  for a nursing home as a dietary aid.  It was a horrible job to say at the least .

I remembered I told my boss at that time, I couldn’t work so many hours because I didn’t have a car to get there. I shared cars with my family so I had to go around their scedule , which honestly sucked because I was 22 and I wanted more hours to work. My boss Supposlably understood and just gave me the days I could come in. 

The last day I worked there I felt faint , remember the kitchen is hot and I had fainted before. Once at a fire call and I almost fainted twice at my work. So obviously I knew the symptoms of feeling faint/heat exhaustion. I told the cook I was going to get my blood pressure checked because I felt very faint and I knew for sure I wasn’t feeling right. I went to the nurses desk and asked if they could check my bp. My bp was a little high I noticed , but was normal. The nurses suggested that I should go home because they didnt want me to faint at work considering the way i had felt. 

So I asked the cook if I could go home considering what the nurses said, the cook said I should try to drink gaterade because maybe that is what I needed. Also , they didnt have anyone to cover for me. (I should have known right than and there something would happen) So I sipped on gaterade trying to make myself feel better and I remember I wasn’t even sweating , but I felt so hot and still light headed. My boss comes walking in the kitchen as I was trying to work.

“What’s wrong with you?” asked my boss. She looked angery for some reason , but maybe I thought she was tired or something. 

“I felt like I was going to faint, I even felt like this before I got here at work.” She crossed her arms and said “I don’t know what is wrong with you. You work two days a week , why don’t you just stick it out” She rolled her eyes at me “Youre killing me,” she said and walked away. I was shocked and upset. Here I’am in the kitchen working , feeling faint as hell and she had the fucking nerve to say that to me knowing damn well my fucking situation?

I instatnly felt my panic attack symptoms coming and I tried to calm myself down, I felt my hear t racing, I almost hyperventalated, it was not good. My boss didn’t know I had this disorder and what she said to me did not help whats so ever . I remember I had to work that whole weekend, I eventlually stayed that night , but I couldn’t bear what she said to me or how she treated me when I felt ill.

I thought about it all night and I couldn’t sleep. I called the next day to talk to the superviser to tell her what happend.  I told the superviser about the whole story. She didnt sound to happy about how my boss treated me or the whole situation. I told the superviser I had panic disorder and I shouldn’t of had a panic attack considering I was on meidcation .  She knew I was very emtoinally upset and I told her I wouldn’t come in that day because what happend the night before was not right. The superviser understood , but she could hear how upset I was. 

I thought about it and I put into consideration I shouldn’t even go back. If my boss was going to treat me that way after I felt faint obviously she didn’t care about my well being at all. I had many close call episodes with my anxeity because of that job and I realized that when I worked there my anexity would get worse. So I made the  descion to quit my job.

I told the superviser,” I appereciate the job , but considering my panic disorder , the boss almost making me going into a  attack, I think I should honeslty work on myself before working anywhere.   I shouldn’t have to work in that type of enviorment or shouldn’t be treated the way I was treated that day. It caused me to almost have a panic attack.” The superviser understood. 

I instantly went right into therapy , I had to go over techqniches for calming myself down, I had to go once a week, I noticed though my family wasn’t help my sistuation ethier. Considering I quit my job they were not happy with me , but in my mind it is my life and my decesion. Some of my family memebers didn’t support me and thought I was faking the whole thing. They thought I was using that so I wouldn’t work . 

 I needed to get help for this panic disorder because if i didn’t one the disorder would get wrose or two it would turn into panic disorder an agorphobia.Well that is what happend as weeks passed I delevloped agorphobia. Link below,

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/agoraphobia/DS00894

As weeks went by this disorder had gotten worse, my biggest fear was walmart. Well, not because of the creepy people that walk around  hahaha , but because I felt so overshelmed by the big crowd . I felt every time I went into the store, I instantly started to go into a panic attack. I started to advoid going into public places, I would not go anywhere with big crowds , so it was hard for me to get out. I basically would stay home most of the time.  

It was horrible, but I eventally changed my medication I was on and eventally my agorphobia symptoms stopped , also my attacks. I haven’t had a attack in a year and it has been a month off of my medication. I’m very proud of myself considering how far i have gotten. I still suffer from some anexity , I almost had a panic attack  about a month ago , but I’m doing well so far. 

Basically I had a rough long road and I’m glad I made it . I made this post because others who are like me have this disorder, I want to let you know that you are not alone in this. Eventually this will pass and you will be ok, it just takes work. I wish you guys all well and hope you will become better.

Also if you guys ever need to talk just give me a shout on here or twitter. 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Anxiety : How it ruined my life

  1. Wow, your story sounds very similar to mine. I also worked at a nursing facility but as a CNA. I had a few bad panic attacks at work and eventually ended quitting. After weeks of being home and scared to go anywhere for fear of an attack i got Agoraphobia. It’s been a real big struggle but i am starting to get well again with CBT and Exposure therapy. Walmart is also my most feared place haven’t been in one in about 5 years.

    • Awe :(, I still have anxiety from time to time ,but I can walk into stores now. I can still feel the anxiety though. I just breath and try not to think about it. I haven’t had a panic attack in two years and I wish I will never experience that again. I hope you will have the courage and support to overcome this. I’m sure you will. It just takes time to get through. If you ever need to talk to anyone feel free to talk to me. As you can tell I’ve been through it.

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