I’m ready for the next step in life : Marriage

This was originally wrote last November. (2014). Little did I know within three weeks of time. He would have popped the question.

Even though my boyfriend hasn’t popped the question yet, I know I’m ready for the next step in life. I know that right now there is no doubts in my mind about it. It isn’t because everyone is getting married,having children and moving away. It is because I found the one I do want to be with for the rest of my life.  Marvin is the man I want to marry and it is like I see my whole future with him. Our house, Our children, Our life, just sitting there right in front of me and I want to take a hold of that. I want to live that life.

I know marriage won’t be all happy with rainbows and butterflies ,but that is what marriage is about. We learn and live together ,despite what goes wrong, everything will work out in the end because we both know we love each other. We’ve been talking about getting married and it isn’t  the “if” we get married, it is “when” we get married.

On 12/ 13/ 2014 . My boyfriend decided to make this special day like every other day we hung out. It was around Christmas time and we needed to get my nephew something . so we made a trip to Toys R Us and got him a toy. That day I was not feeling well , I called out the day before . I didn’t have any clue what he was going to do at day. space he decided to go back to his house and buy his house was a river. we parked near the river and he asked me ” where what do you like to get married? I responded where you would be would be fine but most importantly quite honestly I really don’t want to be inside it makes. It makes me feel claustrophobic. he responded ok that seems fine to me. This point in time I noticed that he started talking a lot about the marriage and proposals earlier that day he asked me how can I picture him proposing to me. I said “I would like it just me and him, not a big thing like you see on youtube”. In the back of my mind I noticed he just mentioned marriage a lot, but I didn’t he would ask me that day. He said “Let’s go to Point Mountain.”
After we got there we parked in the parking lot. Got out started walking , but realized it’s too slippery to go up to mountain , so we stayed in the parking and looked around. We were surrounded by nature so what else can we do?

We started talking about our first date when we got pulled over by the cop in this parking lot. We laughed about it and still do to this day after that he told me to turn around and to think about a word that describes the last three years I was with him. He was rubbing my shoulders and I start to get nervous because I think I knew he was going to ask me. I couldn’t think of anything ,but the only word I could think of at that time is cowabung a. Seriously, ninja turtles.
He laughed at me and then proceeded to ask again and I said I really can’t think of anything right now and then I feel like an idiot because should have thought of a word.
So I thought the word Geronimo. I just felt like that’s what it was like when we first made eye contact an instant connection and that’s why I said Geronimo . also, it’s not because of Doctor Who either.
So he turned me around he said Caitlyn 3 years have been so amazing like it by how many and it can be in one word I can use fantastic amazing journey of my life. Hello Caitlin Marie you marry me and he got down on one knee. Of course I said yes. We both cried and I was so excited.
Everytime I think back of this moment I think of only the date 12-13-14, I think of the words he said to me before he asked me . Honestly have no doubt in Marrying him . I instantly knew he was going to be my husband some say.

Now here’s some pictures

This is my favorite picture. My recent picture of us.

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Helping Heal Suicide Survivors

I have wrote a few times about my older brother whom I have lost almost 13 years ago to suicide. I have realized within the years maybe I was meant to go through this to help others or maybe it was a lesson in life I had to learn. Even though my brother had his own share of problems he put onto himself, I think my brother was such a great person. He knew how to make me laugh, make me smile, and from what I remember we used to sing together. My brother was someone who I did look up to in life ,but now I can look up to him in the sky.

One person who I have been messaging on a message board asked me a question: What do you think are some of the positives or learning experiences you have taken from your brother’s death?

I replied:

“Since I was a little girl at that time, I think it did make me look at life a different way. Others that were my age just let life go and flash, in days and weeks. They didn’t appreciate what they have and how lucky their life is compared to others. It made me grow up and most importantly made me a stronger person. I dealt with something most people wouldn’t deal with. I faced something so tragic and turned it into a lesson for myself and now others can learn from. I can help others heal since I’ve been through this and make them see that they can make it too. It is something maybe one day you will reflect on and think “Wow I’ve been through hell and back, but I’m still strong.” 

I hope by you talking to me , I can realize one day you will be healed like me.

It is life and life is beautiful despite what journeys you have to go through”

I think the experience I had myself will hopefully inspire others into healing. The person I help will make me think, I’m helping this person and since I’m helping this person, he will to will be thankful within the years.

I hear angel’s singing Hallelujah :Finally I’m employed

So as you can tell these past couple of months I have been stressing out about getting a job. Literally worrying every night, when will my day come? I’m going to be unemployed forever, I’ll never find anything. I would think this every night I would go to bed and even when I attempted to fill out an application my anxiety would kick in. I would say out of 100 my anxiety about finding a job was 80. I didn’t have any panic attacks , but at some points I had to finish my application later because it was to much for me at times. Then again , I kind of thank my anxiety in a way because if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t have pushed so hard to even find a job. I also had support from my sister , my boyfriend and three of my friends. I thank them for keeping my spirits high  when I really thought I was going to give up. It has been a roller coaster and I think everything that I have went through has led up to this job. It is something I really did want and I’m not stuck working at a retail store.

I’m working at a child care center and ever since my nephew was born I realized how special children are. They are amazing and I love seeing them learn new things everyday. So finally the war I’ve been through is over and I can now have some peace. Seriously people are not kidding when they say job hunting is a job within itself.  

 

To anyone who is about to give up  on job hunting, please don’t and keep reapplying, calling, going to interviews, eventually something will turn up and keep your self esteem up, if you have a negative attitude you wont get anywhere.

The Man who made the world Ring with laughter:Robin William’s

So I normally don’t do any blog post about celebrities,but Robin William’s was a man that I grew up with and he will always be part of my life.

ROBIN WILLIAMS.

This man gave me many laughs when I was a child. Not only did he give me laughs ,he gave me inspiration to become what I’m today, a poet.  For us 90’s kids he was part of our childhood. Between Mrs.DoubtFire , Jumanji, Aladdin, Hook, and  Flubber, we all know who Mr. William’s was.

 

He  was the Gene in Aladdin who taught us to we would “Never have a friend like him.” It would mostly mean we would never have a special person like him.

The man who made robots in Flubber and taught us even Goo could become our friend. I used to make flubber in summer camp and I always made it green  because I loved to watch flubber.

 

We went on a adventure to Neverland to battle Captain Hook and his mates.He taught us to use our imagination and we all learned we will eventually have to grow up, but deep down inside there will still be a child in all of us.

We learned even a father will go all sorts of crazy and lengths to spend time with his children, even if he has to dress as a women. In the process of learning to become a women,  his boobs caught on fire. That was always my favorite scene.   Robin made us go on a adventure with a board game Jumanji. I was so scared to play a board game after I watched this movie. Fortunately, I watched this a thousand times when I was a child and my little brother’s first word was “Jumanji”.

   WHAT YEAR IS IT?!

 

 

Last  , but not least he inspired me in the Dead Poets Society. I was only in 7th grade watching this in theater arts class, and this movie moved me towards writing.  He reminds me of my poetry professor that I had in college , but most importantly this movie inspired me to write poetry.

 

 

He taught us in The Dead Poets Society “No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”

 

Most importantly Robin taught us laughter. Laughter to make everything better. His personality and comfort to other’s was something to special to people. Not only this man gave us laughter , but he inspired many other people around the world.  Robin was special to all of us and Robin will always live on .

 

Mr. Robin William’s,

I would like to thank you for the laughs  when I was down. You helped me get back up in a time in my life when I felt nothing really mattered. You inspired me to become a better person and to always keep laughing.Thank you Robin, you will always have a place in everyone’s heart.  You will keep us laughing and now you will make the Angles laugh in the skies. The stars will shine a little brighter , knowing there is a amazing man , still making other’s laugh.  Rest In peace.

 

Worrying constantly :Mild Cerebral Palsy

Three days ago marked the one year of making this blog, Aug 5,2013,I have 61 followers . I know 61 isn’t a lot of followers , but to me that makes me happy to know other bloggers and writers are liking my work.Thank you for your support and many likes on my blog. It means a lot to me. ❤

 

Anyways,

As I’am getting older I’am starting to realize my disability is becoming worse.  I can’t remember if I told you guys I do have a disability. I might have said I had a learning disability, but I do have a physical disability as well. I have Mild Cerebral Palsy. If you don’t know what that is I’ll give you a link below.

Cerebral Palsy

Mild Cerebral Palsy

Now later in my life I realize my hands are more curved in and not straight like “normal” people, even my feet are curved out. It doesn’t prevent me from walking normally , but sometimes I do catch myself walking on my toes and my parents, mostly my dad, seems to yell at me to get off of my toes. I kind of smile at him because it reminds me when I was a little girl I would get told constantly not to walk on my toes.

I haven’t had physical therapy since I was 12 years old , but I realized my leg pain is sometimes unbearable. I do have a solution for others with the same cerebral palsy as me. Use TIGER BALM. Tiger balm is like Icey Hot, but it is in a small container. I usually put the tiger balm where my hamstrings are because that is were most of the the tightness in my legs are. For others, who are reading and don’t have this condition, I will explain how bad my leg pain can get. For those who have Cerebral Palsy you can understand my pain.

Well I would say it is like a rubber band stretching out and in constantly, but slowly.  It is this dull annoying  pain, that keeps me up at night and I loose sleep over it. I would describe that the cold winter and rain are my worst enemy. This is the reason why I do hate winter. My sister calls me the weather detector. My legs can tell when it is going to rain, or snow hours before or minutes before. I start to get pain in my knee and then it goes down behind the hamstrings.

I’ve been realizing a lot of knee pain lately and I never had that pain before in my knees. I’ve been trying to look up if anyone had the same symptoms I had and most of them had pain in their knees,  I’m starting to think my cerebral palsy will become worse when I get older. I brought my considers to my loving boyfriend Marvin and I was about to cry when i told him my worries.

He held my hand and said “Stretch , keep active , and don’t worry about your condition. If you need more information go to a doctor and see what they will tell you. ”  He hugged and kissed me to help me not worry. He is a wonderful support and he actually saw through  my disability . He doesn’t see me as a person with a disability. He see’s me as a wonderful , loving women, who cares about family, and friends.  I think there should be more people like him. Most people, including employers , interviewers, or just strangers, cannot see past my disability. I realize not to even tell coworkers, or people who hire because they will think I’am not capable of what I can do. 

I think I can do anything, I was a firefighter for SEVEN years and I’am only 4’10”. I think that is saying something, that I could do anything that everyone else does, I just need extra help with some things. Yes, I’m very short, my boyfriend calls me Hobbit.

I think if Frodo can bring the ring to Mordor, I think I can accomplish anything despite my height and my disability. 

Facebook is Gone for now

 

I meant to post this three months ago. Life got in the way so please enjoy. 🙂
As my life goes on and on, I realized a very long time ago Facebook is just a distraction. Mainly, everyday I would check every morning to see what my “friends” are up too. Same shit different day and as I scroll down to see more useless stuff , I thought to myself “Why do I even bother?” and put down my iPod. I continue all with my day taking care of my nephew and I then realized I check Facebook many times during the day . Why keep checking it if I hate what everyone post? Not necessarily hate, but see the same thing every day. It seem’s to get boring after a while and it seems people use Facebook as communication. I wrote a blog about that here . So, I decided to delete my Facebook three months ago for a while to focus more on my writing. I posted this status when I deleted my Facebook. /p>

 

 

I see my friends point , but of course I have to disagree. If you read my other blog post you would understand. Yes, it is good to keep in touch with people , but to a point. When people rely on Facebook to communicate, interact with friends, instead of maybe picking up the phone and calling them that is where the problem lies. Also , mainly it is a distraction. So deleting it or being off of Facebook for a few months should help me keep focused on my book, my writing. Lately this summer I’ve been busy do unfortunately I haven’t been writing, mainly getting ideas as the summer goes on.
I remember last year I deleted Facebook and between the three months I’ve wasn’t on, I missed a lot between my friends. Well, maybe this will be for the best. I’m just glad it will be out of my life for now and my true friends do keep in contact with me. Can anyone agree?

I feel like I’m getting pulled in to many different directions

I’m sure most of you have felt that way, but recently that is how my life has been. Yes, I watch my nephew , but it has been so hectic when others tell you what you should do with your life. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and say “Fuck all of you.”  ,but inside I cannot because I’m the type to not say anything. I recently just got back my babysitting job and I start next week. It is only for a little while , but it is worth it. I love watching the kid that I’m providing care for. He is the most amazing child I have ever taken care of. I mean now people can say I haven’t been unemployed for two years, in reality I have been unemployed for three months. I’m just sick of people telling me what I should do with my life, I mean it shouldn’t concern them

Right now I’m trying to occupy myself with my eBook I’m writing and it is coming along well. I’m still editing and writing more poems as it comes along. So hopefully by this year I will have this eBook published and hopefully others will like and read my poetry. I know it is self publishing , but it is something that I really want to do. It is my baby as of right now and I’m working so hard on my poems . So very hard and it takes so much effort. That’s why people don’t understand how hard it is to be creative. I’m being creative with words, I’m just not published yet. I know one day I will be published and my dream will be completed.

I just need everyone to stop rushing me into things I don’t want to do, I need them to understand I love writing and that is my passion. They think I cannot make anything of it ,but one day I will prove them wrong. I just need them to believe in my ability to be published. Is that so much to ask for?

I think I will make it. I know I will and that is what keeping me going and not give up on my dreams.

 

My life right now

It has been going good and very busy at the moment. Sorry I haven’t been on for a while , my nephew has been keeping me busy and I feel like I’m running around with my head cut off. So recently my sister is doing so great in nursing school and I’m so proud she got int o honors! She is doing so great and I love her so very much ! She is excellent and is a inspiration to other signal mothers out there. As I said i have been working with my nephew . He is such a amazing child  and so smart for his age. I love seeing how much he learns every day, I love seeing how much he plays and laughs each day. 

We usually have movie nights once a week, when I know my sister will be home late . So we were watching a movie and he put his arm around me and held my head close to his chest. He says “I love you aunt Caity.” I smiled and said I loved him too. He is only three years old and has such a warm heart (just like his mother) I can’t believe a little child has melted my heart . Before my nephew was born I NEVER wanted to have any children. I was against it and than he came along. He changed my perspective on children and how much of a joy it would be to have children in the future.

Not many people get that change in their life , but I did, He changed my life and made me realize it is worth having a family.

Thing is I finally found the one guy which I know whom I’m bound to be with for the rest of my life

My boyfriend Marvin we have been together for 2 1/2 years and quite honestly I have never felt this way in my life . He is the most amazing man I have ever dated. He is charming and I remember when I first saw him I was instantly attracted to him. that have never happened to me before in my life. It was like “love at first sight” Well no. If any of you seen the movie Hotel Transylvania ? It is like we Zinged instantly. 

I love this man so much and two days ago he just spilled his heart out to me and I started to cry. Good tears though. I only cried happliy once and that was because my brother was going into rehab. That was 13 years ago and I told him that. My boyfriend said he was sorry for making me cry , but I said “No don’t be I’m just really happy. I feel the same way about you.” I just feel like the most happiest women on the planet right now and it is like I could just shout out to the world that I found the love of my life.

 

I love him.

Just everything is great right now and I’m rolling on my poetry ebook. It is going , and I’m still being inspired and writing more. It is coming along well, but I will let you know when it will be out and ready to be published. 

So I decided I’m going with a Pen name

It isn’t just because I hate my name. I honestly don’t want my name out there, like it is on Facebook.  I rather have a Pen name to keep my privacy, I mean sure, I’ll share my book with my family members and friends on Facebook, but I want my privacy. My boyfriend said “Well why the pen name? Your name should be out there.” I just feel if I have a Pen name my identity will be safe. I mean I still have a lot of work to do with the book, picking out which poems I want,  writing new poems,figuring out the theme of my poems. I think if I work hard on promoting it, through social media, ads, other websites, and message boards, I think I will build a good audience. I got a quarter of the way done with my promotions . 

I already got some people editing , critiquing my poems and I already got the cover done for the book. Yes, the publishing is through amazon  basically self publishing, but it doesn’t mean I’m not a writer. I’am , but I decided to self publish my stuff instead. I like seeing how the book comes to be, I like making my own covers, I like advertising my own stuff, I think it is the most amazing thing to put a book together by yourself . It shows at least commitment, and a hard work effort, even if it is a eBook, don’t you think the other writers didn’t work as hard to write a book?

Sorry for the rant, I usually do that!! haha Anyways, so what is my pen name going to be ? Well I decided what it is already, but I’m not ready to realize it on this blog. It won’t be for a while. I hope most of you will understand . I wish you all a good day!

Deciding if I should go with a Pen name? Not sure..

I’m in the works writing a book, a poetry book and I’m deciding if I want to go with a Pen name or not.I have said I always wanted a pen name, but to think I’m getting followers on here, it makes me confused. I do like my privacy. “If” my books becomes big I rather have a quite life. I mean it would be great , but I’m more about privacy than being known. Thing is if I have a pen name, that means I have to make a new blog, Facebook pages, twitter account, email, and all that other junk. I want my family to be proud of me that I’m finally getting something published (even if it is self publishing) It will make them see I’m doing something with my writing.
There is always the alternative of telling them about my pen name , but not revealing my real name in the public. I’m very confused , but I feel that I will have to do an extra step to keep my privacy Private.Any input? Comment below Please.. Thank you